Stock image, St. George News

Question

I have been married for three years and my wife doesn't get forth with ii of my sisters. She thinks they are rude and snub her at family gatherings. She doesn't want to attend whatsoever of my family gatherings and tells me to not attend also. She's basically telling me that information technology's either her or them.

My sisters don't hate my wife and I can't empathize why there is all of this drama. My sisters are confused as well and tell me they don't understand what she'south talking well-nigh. How do I bear witness loyalty to my wife when my family isn't that unhealthy? I don't want to take to choose between my wife and my family unit.

column continues below

Answer

It's important to recollect that people deport in ways that make sense to them. Your wife's feelings and behavior don't make sense to you or your family unit, simply it doesn't mean she doesn't have legitimate feelings that cause her to pull away. This is an important opportunity to testify your wife that you have her dorsum and volition show her that she's kickoff.

Your family had your loyalty and priority earlier you married your married woman. Once you committed to your wife that she would be your priority, it ways that everyone and everything else comes second. This violent loyalty is a critical foundation of strong marriages.

Your married woman may exist sensitive. She may be unreasonable. She may exist falsely accusing your sis'southward intentions. She may even be crazy. It doesn't matter. She is your wife and your priority is to turn toward her for as long every bit it takes to understand and support her.

Every bit long as she's not harming herself or others, there is room for you to turn toward her and accept the fourth dimension to create understanding and safety.

I encourage you to stop running interference between your married woman and your sisters. If they are confused about your wife's beliefs, they should talk to your wife, not you.

You're complicating the situation by talking almost your wife behind her back. It builds fright and resentment, which makes it difficult to resolve anything.

Don't get hung up on your wife's refusal to do things with your family. If your family is emotionally mature, they will understand that your marriage is more than important than the larger family. Extended families are there to support marriages and help them grow.

I encourage you lot to view the idea of loyalty in a broader sense than whether or non yous attend a family unit part. Loyalty to your marriage means giving your all-time energy, attention and business concern toward agreement your wife's concerns. Spend time listening to her and asking good questions. Put aside the pressure to do things with the family and let her know you care about her concerns.

You need to inquire yourself the following question: Whose pain is more than important to you … your family's pain or her pain?

Listen to what she says.

She may be picking up on dynamics in your family that brand information technology hard for her to fit in. She may take some valid feedback. I recollect when I was first married my wife pointed out that I seemed to take on a unlike part when I was with my siblings. She noticed that I reverted back to some familiar function as the younger blood brother; that left her confused well-nigh where we fit in as a couple. Her feedback was helpful and allowed me to make adjustments as I moved from beingness a brother and son to existence a hubby.

Even if your wife is existence overly sensitive, your undying commitment to her will soothe and reassure her that she's non lone in her hurting.

We are usually more reasonable and flexible when we feel safe and connected. As yous provide that rubber for her, chances are information technology will open upwards more options for interacting with your family.

Stay connected!

Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private do in St. George, Utah. He specializes in working with couples in all stages of their relationships. The opinions stated in this article are solely his and not those of St. George News.

Have a human relationship question for Geoff to answer? Submit to:

Email:[e-mail protected]

Twitter: @geoffsteurer

Facebook: facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT

Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2015, all rights reserved.

LATEST STORIES

Free News Delivery by Email

Would yous like to accept the day'south news stories delivered right to your inbox every evening? Enter your electronic mail below to start!